SNOOKIN FOR LOVE

VH1 Please Please Please Please pick up Snooki's reality pilot and have a dating show with Queen of the Guidettes and what was her line? I believe her direct words were "big muscley guidos." Everyone's favorite guidette, Snooki, is pitching a reality pilot called "Snookin For Love" and you can imagine the train wreck that will ensue. Please I promise I would watch for the poof and orange face all the time. I would have Snookin for Love parties at my apartment for God's Sake. I would be THAT into it.

Speaking of orange face, this week (and for this week only) I have been going tanning. Don't hate me and don't tell me I'm going to get skin cancer while you have your cell phone attached to your head. What is with people and those stupid bluetooths? You may as well wear a sign on your head that says "Asshole." Do you think that you look cool with that thing on your ear, even worse when you are NOT talking in it and it's like, it has to be there in case what? Unless you work for 1800 Dentist you do not need to have a bluetooth on 24/7. The only exception I will make is in the car because I was the lucky recipient of a $150 ticket (Damn Nassau County cops) for talking on my cell while driving. What did you expect, really?

Another thing that really irks me is phone usage at the gym. Yesterday I was next to this lumpy girl that talked on her phone THE ENTIRE TIME that I was on the elliptical. I had to put Biggest Loser Season Premiere up to max volume to drown out her "catching up" with all her corny friends. How do I know they are corny? Because she was in pink sweats, get a clue sister friend, this is NYC, everyone wears black pants and a college tee shirt to the gym. On top of that maybe your ass wouldn't be so lumpy if you actually WORKED OUT on the exercise machine instead of being Chatty Patty. Don't get me wrong, I really don't work hard at the gym either and haven't been there in a bit, thus the obvious declaration of my return in today's post. But still, I at least make it SEEM like I'm working out. There is a time and a place for everything and I don't know how many more dirty quick looks myself and the girl next to me could have thrown her that said "get off the phone," along with the plaque on the wall depicting restricted cell phone usage in designated areas. Clue: the cardio machines is probably not an area you want to be using your phone. Some people just don't get it. Like the naked girl in the locker room yesterday. I wanted to take a hedge trimmer to her. Really, I don't need to see that, it's 2010 girlfriend, please shave. I felt like I was in a low budget 70s porno, mostly because I couldn't stop staring at her giant bush. So I probably looked like a lesbian about to get it on.

Back to tanning. I have been going tanning this week because I'm ghostly pale and I have a wedding on Saturday. This isn't just any wedding. It's a wedding that I may or may not be one of the few white people at. I can't in good faith go to a wedding where I'm the minority and be Snow White. If I am going to stand out, I will look good, damn it and to me looking good is being tan. I know that in most cultures peasants were tan and it was desired to be pale. Not in my society and not according to Cosmo. Everyone knows everyone looks better darker for the most part except Purple-dark Africa style. Another post to come on the Africans in my building.

Anyway when I was tanning the other day, there was a BLACK GUY in front of me. I think he was mixed but I couldn't believe it. And he was all snotty, meanwhile I'm like why are you being snotty to me? You are the one that is out of place here. He looked super vain, one of those guys that works out two-a-day and only dates girls that are 10x hotter than him. I mean I'm not judging or anything. Just kidding I totally am. Anyway my reflex was to immediately bbm my best friend Erin and inform her of the unnatural events unfolding before me. Plus I have to tell her every time I do so much as go to the bathroom. Her reply was, "Maybe he's cold." I think he was just snookin for love.