Thursday, August 5, 2010
I'm famous! (with the gays)
http://www.newnownext.com/2010/08/05/pop-culture-detective-asks-what-do-justin-bieber-drunk-snooki-katy-perrys-peacock-have-in-common-watch/
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Pandora - I'm so over you.
Screw you Pandora. How dare you charge me for listening to music all day long during my work day. There are 4 billion free music streaming services out there. You can listen by mood, listen by genre, listen by sexual preference, whatever. And you have the nerve to oust me because I was trying to make my work day more tolerable? It's bad enough I have to listen to your Progressive Auto Insurance ads with that stupid girl "Hi there - Flo here." Why do they even call her Flo? That makes me think of women referring to "Aunt Flo coming to town." That's a marketing campaign aimed at men if I've ever heard one, right up there with the iPad. Pandora, Who do you think you are? I'm switching to Slacker. Speaking of music, anyone have suggestions for free illegal downloads that won't make my computer explode? I'm in the market.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Carstache - this month's Must-Have.
If I had a car in this God forsaken city, I would DEFINITELY have this on the front of it.
My first car was a 1994 green Buick Skylark that was pimped out by the Guido I bought it from down the block. It had tinted windows,a blue light in the passenger seat, a banner on the windshield, and green reverse lights (to match the gorgeous color of the car of course.) I loved it because it was huge and I didn't care about it so I used to crash it into anything I drove past. Not on purpose of course, I'm just a terrible driver and it was easier to crash the skylark in particular due to the pointy nose in the front. It was such a hideous car that I would beep at anyone else in a Buick skylark as a gesture like, "you're embarrassed too right? So am I - I want to drive off the road," which I was usually about to do being that I was balancing my cell phone, various cds, and didn't really know how to drive anyway. I still don't. That's what the E train is for. Thanks MTA by the way for sucking, I wish I could stab the CEO of the MTA in the eye with a pencil like that guy at the Comic book ralley this weekend or just use him as a scapegoat and fire him like Tony Hayward. See below for a pic of a car that looks like my first car but isn't because I couldn't find it.
Mel G
Advertisement as seen in Metro NY this morning. I obviously only read the classiest free newspapers that have misspellings in the articles and ads for hammertoes and happy ending spas in the city. However, I really enjoyed the clever marketing above, targeting everyone's favorite lunatic - Mel Gibson. Have you not listened to his doctored audio rants? Click here to hear Mel demand at least hummer before bed. Yes, I believe they are doctored but it is still highly entertaining while somewhat disturbing. However, if my boyfriend taped me on the sly when I was going off during an argument I often wonder if I would sound e.x.a.c.t.l.y. like Mel. Maybe I should start hitting up NYSC a bit more. Then again, maybe Mel just has a general anxiety disorder.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Pennies
I vacuum up pennies and when I find them laying around I throw them out. I'm poor, so I totally shouldnt throw money away but one thing I have learned in life is that pennies suck. They should be eliminated from currency. Can you actually buy anything with a penny? You can't even buy a penny in the Press a Penny for a penny. That costs 51 cents. You're paying a machine to MAKE your penny virtually useless, which it already is. Sorry, I know there are a lot of Abe enthusiasts out there, but when I can't even buy a piece of bazooka joe with you, you're done.
passwords
If you were to die TODAY and I.T. needed to know your password, would it be the end of your reputation? See conversation with myself and my dad below.
"Dad give me your password for stubhub, I want to order the Penn State tickets." - Me
"You dont need my password." - My Dad
"Dad just give it to me, I'm calling and don't want a problem on the phone." - Me
"Ok it's B-I-G-T-I-T-S." - Dad
click - Me.
"Dad give me your password for stubhub, I want to order the Penn State tickets." - Me
"You dont need my password." - My Dad
"Dad just give it to me, I'm calling and don't want a problem on the phone." - Me
"Ok it's B-I-G-T-I-T-S." - Dad
click - Me.
Monday, January 11, 2010
MEDIOCRE JOBS PROVIDE TIME FOR ONLINE VIEWINGS
So far I have done about 15 minutes worth of work the entire day. See below for the G chat conversation between me and one of my best friends that just took place:
me: sorry im back
got kicked off and distracted by the video of a walrus sucking his own peen
I had to watch the whole thing through
Stefanie: I SAW THAT!
Do you find it disturbing that her and I both watched the video or do you think that's why we are friends?
This brings me to a debate that I had with my boyfriend and cousin and various male friends a few weeks ago. If men could do that to themselves, would they? They all denounced it but I know they were lying.
Would YOU do that if you could? We all know the walrus looks happy.
me: sorry im back
got kicked off and distracted by the video of a walrus sucking his own peen
I had to watch the whole thing through
Stefanie: I SAW THAT!
Do you find it disturbing that her and I both watched the video or do you think that's why we are friends?
This brings me to a debate that I had with my boyfriend and cousin and various male friends a few weeks ago. If men could do that to themselves, would they? They all denounced it but I know they were lying.
Would YOU do that if you could? We all know the walrus looks happy.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
SNOOKIN FOR LOVE
VH1 Please Please Please Please pick up Snooki's reality pilot and have a dating show with Queen of the Guidettes and what was her line? I believe her direct words were "big muscley guidos." Everyone's favorite guidette, Snooki, is pitching a reality pilot called "Snookin For Love" and you can imagine the train wreck that will ensue. Please I promise I would watch for the poof and orange face all the time. I would have Snookin for Love parties at my apartment for God's Sake. I would be THAT into it.
Speaking of orange face, this week (and for this week only) I have been going tanning. Don't hate me and don't tell me I'm going to get skin cancer while you have your cell phone attached to your head. What is with people and those stupid bluetooths? You may as well wear a sign on your head that says "Asshole." Do you think that you look cool with that thing on your ear, even worse when you are NOT talking in it and it's like, it has to be there in case what? Unless you work for 1800 Dentist you do not need to have a bluetooth on 24/7. The only exception I will make is in the car because I was the lucky recipient of a $150 ticket (Damn Nassau County cops) for talking on my cell while driving. What did you expect, really?
Another thing that really irks me is phone usage at the gym. Yesterday I was next to this lumpy girl that talked on her phone THE ENTIRE TIME that I was on the elliptical. I had to put Biggest Loser Season Premiere up to max volume to drown out her "catching up" with all her corny friends. How do I know they are corny? Because she was in pink sweats, get a clue sister friend, this is NYC, everyone wears black pants and a college tee shirt to the gym. On top of that maybe your ass wouldn't be so lumpy if you actually WORKED OUT on the exercise machine instead of being Chatty Patty. Don't get me wrong, I really don't work hard at the gym either and haven't been there in a bit, thus the obvious declaration of my return in today's post. But still, I at least make it SEEM like I'm working out. There is a time and a place for everything and I don't know how many more dirty quick looks myself and the girl next to me could have thrown her that said "get off the phone," along with the plaque on the wall depicting restricted cell phone usage in designated areas. Clue: the cardio machines is probably not an area you want to be using your phone. Some people just don't get it. Like the naked girl in the locker room yesterday. I wanted to take a hedge trimmer to her. Really, I don't need to see that, it's 2010 girlfriend, please shave. I felt like I was in a low budget 70s porno, mostly because I couldn't stop staring at her giant bush. So I probably looked like a lesbian about to get it on.
Back to tanning. I have been going tanning this week because I'm ghostly pale and I have a wedding on Saturday. This isn't just any wedding. It's a wedding that I may or may not be one of the few white people at. I can't in good faith go to a wedding where I'm the minority and be Snow White. If I am going to stand out, I will look good, damn it and to me looking good is being tan. I know that in most cultures peasants were tan and it was desired to be pale. Not in my society and not according to Cosmo. Everyone knows everyone looks better darker for the most part except Purple-dark Africa style. Another post to come on the Africans in my building.
Anyway when I was tanning the other day, there was a BLACK GUY in front of me. I think he was mixed but I couldn't believe it. And he was all snotty, meanwhile I'm like why are you being snotty to me? You are the one that is out of place here. He looked super vain, one of those guys that works out two-a-day and only dates girls that are 10x hotter than him. I mean I'm not judging or anything. Just kidding I totally am. Anyway my reflex was to immediately bbm my best friend Erin and inform her of the unnatural events unfolding before me. Plus I have to tell her every time I do so much as go to the bathroom. Her reply was, "Maybe he's cold." I think he was just snookin for love.
Speaking of orange face, this week (and for this week only) I have been going tanning. Don't hate me and don't tell me I'm going to get skin cancer while you have your cell phone attached to your head. What is with people and those stupid bluetooths? You may as well wear a sign on your head that says "Asshole." Do you think that you look cool with that thing on your ear, even worse when you are NOT talking in it and it's like, it has to be there in case what? Unless you work for 1800 Dentist you do not need to have a bluetooth on 24/7. The only exception I will make is in the car because I was the lucky recipient of a $150 ticket (Damn Nassau County cops) for talking on my cell while driving. What did you expect, really?
Another thing that really irks me is phone usage at the gym. Yesterday I was next to this lumpy girl that talked on her phone THE ENTIRE TIME that I was on the elliptical. I had to put Biggest Loser Season Premiere up to max volume to drown out her "catching up" with all her corny friends. How do I know they are corny? Because she was in pink sweats, get a clue sister friend, this is NYC, everyone wears black pants and a college tee shirt to the gym. On top of that maybe your ass wouldn't be so lumpy if you actually WORKED OUT on the exercise machine instead of being Chatty Patty. Don't get me wrong, I really don't work hard at the gym either and haven't been there in a bit, thus the obvious declaration of my return in today's post. But still, I at least make it SEEM like I'm working out. There is a time and a place for everything and I don't know how many more dirty quick looks myself and the girl next to me could have thrown her that said "get off the phone," along with the plaque on the wall depicting restricted cell phone usage in designated areas. Clue: the cardio machines is probably not an area you want to be using your phone. Some people just don't get it. Like the naked girl in the locker room yesterday. I wanted to take a hedge trimmer to her. Really, I don't need to see that, it's 2010 girlfriend, please shave. I felt like I was in a low budget 70s porno, mostly because I couldn't stop staring at her giant bush. So I probably looked like a lesbian about to get it on.
Back to tanning. I have been going tanning this week because I'm ghostly pale and I have a wedding on Saturday. This isn't just any wedding. It's a wedding that I may or may not be one of the few white people at. I can't in good faith go to a wedding where I'm the minority and be Snow White. If I am going to stand out, I will look good, damn it and to me looking good is being tan. I know that in most cultures peasants were tan and it was desired to be pale. Not in my society and not according to Cosmo. Everyone knows everyone looks better darker for the most part except Purple-dark Africa style. Another post to come on the Africans in my building.
Anyway when I was tanning the other day, there was a BLACK GUY in front of me. I think he was mixed but I couldn't believe it. And he was all snotty, meanwhile I'm like why are you being snotty to me? You are the one that is out of place here. He looked super vain, one of those guys that works out two-a-day and only dates girls that are 10x hotter than him. I mean I'm not judging or anything. Just kidding I totally am. Anyway my reflex was to immediately bbm my best friend Erin and inform her of the unnatural events unfolding before me. Plus I have to tell her every time I do so much as go to the bathroom. Her reply was, "Maybe he's cold." I think he was just snookin for love.
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